Forbidden Heart

Author: Kara Wills

Publisher: Siren/BookStrand

Word Count: 122K

Genre: Fantasy/Paranormal/Mainstream

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Reviewed by: Lady Chatterley

Author submitted book

Author’s Blurb:

His curse brings love and heartache. . .

The moment Shaye sees Moira, he is sure she will break his two hundred-year-old curse. It doesn’t take long for Shaye to fall in love with this magnificent human woman, but proving his love is more difficult.

Moira is piecing her broken heart and broken life together when Shaye storms in and whisks her away on a fairytale adventure. Accepting his mythological nature–half human, half faerie–is disturbingly easy. Accepting his promise of forever seems ludicrous, as much as her heart beats to believe in him.

Daeanna is the daughter of Dagda, king of the Tuatha de Danann, and she is hell-bent on keeping what is rightfully hers: Shaye. Rejecting any possibility that Moira might be his true soul mate, Daeanna is determined to keep them apart…whatever the cost.

Love has never been so powerful, greed never so hideous. In worlds infused with beauty, magic and peace, can nightmares be banished and deceit be justified? Can love truly conquer all?

Review:

I really liked this story as it possessed a very enjoyable plot line with a couple of twists that had me nodding. The author paints an incredible world of faeries and magic with little unexpected bits here and there. Magic spells, magic gems, water sprites, etc. I think the most memorable scene for me was the one in which the author used a mirror so the hero and heroine could speak to each other without fear of the evil spell that had been cast. The mirror deflected the spell and the scene showed that the love between Moira and Shaye went much deeper than the physical. It was quite poignant, actually.

In addition, Ms. Wills gave the reader that all-important sexual tension and kept it up nicely. She conveyed the meaning of soul mates with all the romance and bells and whistles that go along with it too. I adored the way Ms. Wills described Shaye and Moira’s bonding/blood oath. I literally sighed at the thought of two lovers pledging their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls to each other and doing so all alone without the need for pomp and circumstance. After all, what else does love need?

The characters were well-drawn, their emotions clear. Ms. Wills did a great job of allowing her characters to evolve. The evil faery princess, Daenna, came through loud and clear. Character interactions worked well for the most part. Scenes between Shaye and Moira’s son Chase were very touching.

Now for the problems. I first want to preface everything I am about to say with this:

The author can write. Her talent, however, is still a bit rough. In no way do I want the issues I have with the editing of this book to detract from this author’s genuine ability for storytelling and writing in general. However, this is one of those books which definitely should have been contracted–and yes, it should have been contracted–with it in mind that there were some major issues and that the issues would be corrected. Such was not the case here, and the blame lies solely with Siren/BookStrand—not the author. The author’s voice shines brightly even through the editing problems.

Pacing: For those unaware of exactly what pacing is, it’s the term editors use to indicate the overall need to move the story along. Surely everyone has heard, read, been told, that if something is not necessary, then it should be cut. This story was bogged down by at least three completely unnecessary characters. Tristan, who had no real use because the personal woes of Moira and why she is the way she is could have been explained without him. Besides, he was an insurance agent—no way could he compete with Shaye on any level, and the contrast was not at all needed. Another such character was Neil. I don’t think he even had a line. And Moira’s ex was a no-show husband and father anyway, whose place in Moira’s life and that of their son’s didn’t matter in the end, so why even write him in?

Simply put, the existence of these characters padded the word count. Moira’s quirky sidekick, Rae, was needed, but I do believe she was too prevalent. One scene in particular stands out to me, a scene in which Moira, Tristan, Rae, and Neil are at a bar. The scene was used as a vehicle for an encounter with Shaye as was another scene at a restaurant. Together those two scenes used up about three k words. It all could have been done with a whole lot less. There is even an abundance of description where clothing, ordering drinks, and food are concerned. Not all of it was necessary to give the proper flavoring to the scenes. Overall, I’d say that without me giving the book a thorough edit, I’d cut out at least ten k right now.

So what does improper pacing do? It slows down the action, bores the reader, causes the reader to skim or page ahead. Not good. So, instead of this book moving the reader to where h/she needed to be, in that incredible land of faeries where the author’s work truly shines, it kept stalling.

Overwriting: Overwriting occurs when a writer simply tries too hard. The author reaches for something, doesn’t quite grasp it, and ends up with sweeping prose or words or phrases which simply don’t work. Examples below:

1. “…tantalizing his desires as they torturously undressed one another.”(Torturously undressed?)

2. “He suffered at the mercy of her wrath and his indefatigableness did little to calm the wild fire that spread through her.” (Indefatigableness? Why not just say stamina?)

3. “Her lips did not twitch. She continued to move along, Rihanna on her heels, right through a densely populated area with no means of asking for help.” (Densely populated area should quite simply have been the crowded bar.)

4. “His already exotically decadent eyes enhanced with the arch of his dark brows and the definition of his chiseled cheeks. “(Exotic or decadent; please, not both.)

There was quite a lot of overwriting, but nothing that could not have been fixed with a proper edit. The author has the ability. The editor had the responsibility.

Suspect words: Some words used by the author altered the meaning of what she was trying to say. And again, a good editor would have caught all this.

1. “Vick threw another glance at Tristan, accusatory suspicions marked clearly on his face.” (Accusatory suspicions? A bit of overwriting coupled with words that don’t quite work together.)

2. “Moira watched the crowd of people until their drinks arrived, and consoled her martini to avoid the unusual sensation of being so close to Tristan when he looked way too appealing.” (Consoled a martini?)

3. “The oddest, and frightening, sensation of righteousness caressed her, wrapping her in a blanket of security.” (Righteousness? Morally justifiable? Doesn’t work in this context. Should have been more along the lines of “…it just felt right.”)

4. “He wore the length of his mane succulently.” (His hair was juicy?)

5. “Moira’s fingers pressed into his shoulder, another silent warning to have his temper reigned in.” (There were several instances of the usage of “reign” where it should have been “rein”.)

There are numerous examples of “off” words and phrases, and I encourage the author to keep her dictionary, thesaurus, and etymology guide all handy when she is writing. And there again, a proper edit would have found this problem.

Typos, misplaced commas are abundant. Minor issues with point of view. Repetitive words and phrasing are rampant. The word “felt” was used two hundred and thirty-four times in the three hundred and twenty-four page book. I could get into why the author should show the reader what was felt instead of telling the reader, but I won’t. It’s too much. Problems with dialogue that threw me out of the story. Some of the conversation just didn’t feel right, especially in the paranormal world. Moira seemed to flip back and forth from a more formal manner of speech to a less formal manner and it didn’t work. Some continuity issues.

Tense issues (quite numerous):

1. “If he could break the barriers she so diligently constructed around herself, even a mere chip, he will allow nature to take its course.” (Should be, “he would allow”.)

2. “Her eyes, undoubtedly, rung with blackness.” (Rung conveys a different meaning entirely, indicating that something rang, and since blackness can’t ring, it should have been “ringed”, which means marked or decorated with. After all, she was talking about the eyeliner around her eyes.)

3. “Rihanna’s eyes casted downwards, her bottom lip tugged between her teeth.” (No such use as “casted”. Should have been: “Rhianna’s gaze cast downward…”)

4. “Men like him could deceived women, could prey on women for their own use then left them cold and hollow, wishing they’d never given into his allure.” (Should have been: “Men like him could deceive women, could prey on women for their own use then leave them cold and hollow, wishing they’d never given in to their allure.”)

Paragraph breaks for dialog: Countless instances of thoughts, narrative, and actions of one character sandwiched between the dialog of another. Each character’s dialog should always be a standalone paragraph, otherwise, there will be confusion as to which character is speaking.

Dangling modifiers or Awkward Sentences:

1. “Moving nervously between the kitchen and living room, ensuring everything looked tidy, the phone rang.” (The phone moved nervously between the kitchen and living room?)

2. “She glanced through the ripples of water streaming down her windshield with non chalance.” (So the water is streaming down the windshield nonchalantly? And there should be no spacing between “non” and “chalant”.)

3. “Kid you naught, I would have loved to see that.” (There was numerous usage of the word “naught” once the characters reached the realm of faeries. It became incredibly repetitive, stood out, and at the same time was mostly used in the wrong context. This is just one example. Plus, the contemporary expression used when the author was so obviously trying to convey an old-world feel simply didn’t work.)

Before I close this very long review, I’d like to stress again how much I enjoyed this story. To say one more time this author has talent. And to press upon everyone who reads this review that the editor for this book, and therefore the publisher, failed. Hopefully, you will see this reflected in the grades. I can say with the utmost honesty that my fingers literally itched to edit this book because a good edit is what this talented author deserved.

Comment on cover art: Not terribly impressive. That mane of braided black hair thrown across the torso of the man looked more like a skinny rope than what the author described. The man depicted didn’t look a thing like how I imagined Shaye either. The cover didn’t really convey fantasy to me at all. It seemed more fit for vampires and werewolves.

Heat Level: This book is intended as a mainstream romance.

Storyline/plot, characterization, dialog: 4 (This belongs solely to the author. This grade is mostly due to the dialog hiccups because her characterization, storyline, and plotting were all excellent.)

Structure: grammar, spelling, punctuation, typos, editing in general: 1 (While I believe the editor/publisher failed the author, I also feel that the author can protect herself from this kind of tragedy in the future by studying the writing craft and improving on her own.)

Worldbuilding/scene setting: 4 (Again, this grade belongs solely to the author and would have been higher without pacing issues. Due to editing failure, it cost the author a point.)

Final Grade: